Meditation and stick holding...

Okay so as a shift worker I have a lot of issues with sleep, or lack thereof.

Someone at work the other night was banging on about how she uses these “meditation” type audio files on her ipod to help her have a power nap pre night shift.  It sounded like something I might like to try I decided.

Sometimes I wear beaded bracelets and I quite like a bit of yoga so I can see myself being a person who meditates.  Suddenly I have images of myself being this calm and quiet person who kind of floats into a room and fills the atmosphere with a sense of serenity.  People will envy me.  Wish they could have my quiet and controlled composure.  Never again will I be someone who screeches at my children when for the 18^th time that day I have to tell them to put their shoes away (like seriously?  How many pairs do they have and need to put on and take off in one single day?).  No no.  I’ll be the mother who calmly explains to the children in a soft and soothing tone that it would be really quite lovely if they put their shoes away and made our place of living tidier.

It’s going to change my life I decide. 

I’ll do it on a daily basis. 

I get quite excited about it.  I jump onto a completely legal and legitimate website for downloading audio files and download about 87 million different files.  I’m not sure which I’ll like the best you see.  And if I’m doing this every day, I’ll need some variety.

So later that afternoon I am ready for my transformation.  I have a shower, to relax me.  I close the blinds to darken the room.  Position myself on the bed.  I scroll through my ipod and hit a random newly downloaded track and smile to myself smugly.

Queue peaceful sounding music.  That’s nice I think.  Very relaxing.  An Owl hoots quite loudly in the background.

I raise my eyebrows and open my eyes.  An owl?  Really?

Okay okay Sandy, so it’s an owl. That’s peaceful.  Close your eyes again and relax.

A woman’s monotone voice suddenly bursts into my ears.

“Close your eyes and make yourself perfectly comfortable.  Just completely relax.  Breeeeaaaaath deeply and relaaaaxxxxxx completely.  Breath through your nose and exhale through you mouth.  Verrry deeply.  Very.  Very deeply. And feel calm and peaceful.  Relaxed and at ease. Calm and peaceful.  Relaxed and at ease.   Breath deeply and relax completely….”

Hmm, it’s a bit repetitive.  But maybe that’s how it relaxes you Sandy. 

“Breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth…”

Except I can’t frigging breath through my nose.  I have a cold.  It’s full of snot.  I decide to improvise and breath in AND out through my mouth.  It’s a bit unconventional I suppose, and start to wonder if it still work.

“Very deeply.  Very. Very. Relaxed.”

I’m really not relaxed.  My eyes open again.  I feel quite silly.  Focus Sandy.  Keep trying.  I picture that floaty calm version of myself, the new Sandy, and close my eyes again.

“And feel calm and peaceful.  Relaxed and at ease.”

Okay so this business continues for several long awkward minutes.  The breathing.  The Relaxing and being at ease.  I kind of start to relax eventuall, so this saying stuff over and over must have some sort of effect.  Then things start to get interesting.

“And now you’re alone, standing outside on a moonlit mountain.”

Oh.  Okay.  A mountain hey?  At night.  On my own?  My shoulders and neck tense a little.  This is not my kind of thing lady.  This is not relaxing.  This is like something out of a horror movie.  Fat chance you’d ever find me out in a forest on a moonlit mountain in the middle of the night.  Concentrate Sandy, just picture the moon and stuff.

“….and it feels good to be here.”

Debatable.

“…feel the cool breeze on your skin as you look up at the blanket of stars…”

Ohhhh. That’s more like it.  I like that. 

“…and listen to the sounds of the night.”

The owl is back.

“Percieve this very very vividly. You’re surrounded by giant pines, ash and oak trees that are illuminated by the full moon.  Breath deeply, the aroma of nature…the pines, a hint of wild sage.”

But I have no idea what that stuff smells like. And my nose is all stuffy. Just picture the trees Sandy. You can do that.

“You’re relaxed and at ease here on the mountain because a part of you is always here. Always in touch with your karmic roots.”

My what?  Did she say karmic roots?  Ummm…

“always aligned with nature and drawing upon the subtle energy.  Be in the environment…”

She stops talking and I hear soft music for quite sometime.  This.  Is.  Weird.  I’m reallllly not relaxed right now.  Actually I’m kind of confused. About the forest and the moon and the energy from the pine trees and sage.

I start to feel a bit uncomfortable.  Like I’m doing something I don’t want to get caught doing.  Lucky I locked the door.  It’s like when I used to turn the TV down real quiet and watch snippets of “Melrose Place” when I was 14….which was totally banned in our house.  I was on high alert the whole time in case someone walked in.  There is no one else home right now but I’m still freaking out a little that someone will suddenly burst in and be like “what are you listening to? Show me!” and then mock me relentlessly.

But I persist. I’m quite curious about what might happen next.  And rightly so as it turns out.

“And it’s now time to draw down the universal energy of the stars, so imagine yourself drawing down the light, drawing down the energy of the stars…..”

Hmmm.  Righteo.  I’ll give that a go.  Trying to picture the trees and the moon and stars that are super shiny. Oh and smell the wild sage.

“…. The positive powers of the universe. Perceive this energy in the form of an illumination that enters your crown shakra on the top of your head.”

I’m sorry the what of my head?  Shakra?  What the hell is a shakra?  It sounds kind of rude. Okay now I’m really really not sure about this.  And I am definitely not relaxed.

“Draw down the energy and allow it to become your reality. The universal energy of the stars.  Draw down the light.  The positive powers of the universe. The star light. The love light. Let it happen.  Let it be. …..”

She keeps banging on about lights and energy and stuff for a bit longer. I start thinking about afternoon tea.

“……and as if in response to your thoughts, a magnificent white horse trots out of the trees *neighing sound in background* and stops about twenty yards away…..”

Eyes open.  A HORSE!!??  For real!?  That’s awesome.  Totally was not expecting that!  Love it.  Ha!

I press pause.  I pull the earphones out.  I pick up my phone from next to the bed and  log into facebook.

Stuff meditation.  Let’s read some of those funny e-card things people put on their statuses sometimes.

So there you go.  It was not the roaring success or life changing experience I expected it to be.  But hey I had a go.  Perhaps I needed to spend more time finding a more appropriate form of meditation to download?

I suck at relaxation type activities anyway so I really should know better.  I remember when David and I were in Bali we went for this couples massage thing where we lay on tables next to each other and have massages.

Chicky babe massage lady tells me to close my eyes and relax.  I close my eyes.  I lay very, very still.  I hear them fumbling around with stuff and I start to worry about what’s going to happen.  What is she going to rub on me?  Where will she rub it?  I don’t want hot rocks.  Will she use hot rocks?  Something smells funny.  I’m dying to open my eyes and see what’s going on but I want to look like I know what I’m doing.  Like I’m totally cool with whatever is about to happen.

About halfway through the massage….chicky babe moves my arms around.  Alright, that’s fine I think, repositioning me for something. That’s cool.

Next thing I know I’m holding something in my arms in front of me.  Feels like a stick of some sort.  Huh?  What is it!?  What am I holding?  I reeaaaally want to know.  But I keep my eyes closed cause, like, whatever.  I know all about the stick thing.  Done this a million times before.  Meh.  Right?

After several minutes the foreign object is removed from my hands and things go back to somewhat normal.

Later, after the massage is finished and we are walking away, David and I are sharing our experiences like “argh I hated it when they cracked my toes hey?”

So I say “And what the hell was that stick thing all about?”

David looks at me with raised eyebrows.

“What stick thing?” he says.

“You know, when they made you hold the stick or whatever it was?”

“Sandy, I didn’t hold a stick.  What are you talking about?”

Oh dear heavens.  Chicky babe has taken a video of me half naked holding a broomstick or sex object of some sort and posted it on youtube.  Oh, the humiliation!!

So perhaps in future I ought to steer clear of all “alternative” types of therapy then hey?  Although someone was telling me something the other day about these ear wax candles……