Sleep deprivation

This is getting beyond a joke. I simply cannot sleep anymore. Well that's not entirely true, of course I am getting SOME sleep - but very very little of it. I'm trying to figure it out and I think last night I finally pin pointed it. See everyone has been encouraging me to try this or that - a warm bath, a cup of tea blah blah blah. I KNOW these things help - I've used them before after night shifts and stuff. So why wasn't I trying them? I wasn't entirely sure. I thought the reason for my lack of sleep was stress - I have too much stuff on my mind. Specifically - how I will juggle work etc once the kids are back at school, I need to drop my hours. And moving houses, I want to do it now, get it over and done with - but financially breaking the lease is not a viable option. So I figured this is why I wasn't sleeping - too much to think about when I'm lying in bed. And I think this IS a contributing factor but I realised the main issue last night.

See it's not just that I can't sleep once I'm lying in bed - I delay getting into bed. I fluff around, watch crappy movies, do a bit more writing, check my freakin' email at 2am in the morning in case someone has mysteriously emailed me at that hour for who knows what. And when I finally climbed into bed at 2am this morning, eyes hanging out of my head, it hit me why I was avoiding bed and not sleeping. The moment the distractions of TV/writing/internet etc are gone, and the lights are out and it's all quiet and I'm lying there in bed. I realise how very very ALONE I am. After 11 years of having someone by my side every (well mostly) night and feeling somewhat (falsely) secure about my future...it is the most overwhelming and daunting feeling to lie in bed alone every night having no clue about what my future holds for me.

See I am very fortunate...I have great friends and family - so supportive, and so during the days I feel okay - I have the kids of course and with everyone else I rarely feel alone during the day. It's at night after the kids have gone to bed that it all becomes hard. It churns my stomach to think this is my life now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this insecure person who can't cope being on my own at night, I've never been like that - I quite enjoy having time alone occasionally. But every night is another thing. Every night for the rest of my life is too much to think about.

So after a huge cry last night when this realisation hit me in bed, I waited.....and waited...for sleep to take me away. It took too long....and despite feeling like a walking zombie right now, I am already dreading climbing into bed again tonight. At least I should be tired after working till 9.30pm and driving out to dayboro afterwards, but I'm certain I will still battle to fall asleep.

*sigh* Next post will be cheerier I promise.

For my beautiful Nana....

Smile through your tears…

A special man has left the earth, but his memory will remain
And I know we can find good through the depths of our shared pain
For although he has now gone, his strength and loyalty have not
Imprinted in ourselves, those qualities can never be forgot

His footprints will remain embossed upon your heart
With unwavering love even though you’re now apart
Taste the tears as they fall, for they are filled with such love
For the man who was yours, now in the hands of God above

Let the emptiness remind you of the companionship you shared
Don’t let yourself forget the devoted way he loved and cared
Treasure every little memory, all the laughter and the tears
The good times and the bad that you shared throughout the years

Along your journey there were stumbles, hard times that shook your steady feet
But united you remained - Supporting each other through the obstacles you’d meet
Your shared story may have ended, but your special bond will never break
And your life enduring love is something death could never take

In your heartache and your grief, as you try to say goodbye
May Gods comfort hold you strong, as he counts the tears you cry
When the pain is overwhelming, when it all becomes too tough
I pray you’ll feel our love surround you, and that will be enough

Please take our hand as we reach out; let us carry you when you are weak
Borrow strength from us, as we wipe the tears from off your cheek
Turn to those of us around you, as before we’ve turned to you
Let us guide you through your hurt in return for all you do

Let the loss of one we love, only bring us closer together
In our loving family find protection against the stormy weather
And on a day that’s filled with tears, may we also share a smile
To know how blessed we are to have known him for a while

Saving the world one calendar at a time & surviving a horror film

So I also purchased, amongst other things today at the shops, my 2010 calendar. I grabbed some random calendar I saw on special with photos from around the world or something super fascinating like that. Anyways, I get it home to notice a big sticker on it saying "ECO-FRIENDLY - Made with all recycled materials". Well, my chest puffs out and I think to myself what a wonderful person I am for being so environmentally friendly - almost a "greenie" I reckon. I rip the plastic off, absolutely delighted with myself and stick it onto my 600litre industrial sized fridge, and then go and throw the next load of washing into the dryer. It's all about setting an example isn't it? Everyone will walk into my home and see my eco-friendly calendar and it will motivate them to be as environmentally conscience as I am.

ANYWAYS...so last night my bestie came over for a sleepover with her kidlets. This girl is CRAZY about horror movies...she loves them. Me, on the other hand, not so great with them. I find myself hyperventilating, clutching at my heart that feels like it's about to explode out of my chest, and screaming at the stupid idiot on the screen; something along the lines of "DON'T GO IN THERE YOU IDIOT!!!" or "NOOOOOOOO HE HAS A GUN!!". I also do the whole blocking my ears and closing my eyes thing - very 4 year old of me really, but I seriously can't help it. So.....my darling bestie decides she really wants to see "Paranormal activity" and I decided to be brave and watch it with her - on the proviso that she sleep in my room with me that night of course.

So the movie goes on, and it's fairly slow and quite boring except for when this couple sets up the camera at night and you see the time fast forwarding while they sleep - nothing happens, then the clock slows down to normal speed and something freaky happens. Eventually every time the frigging clock slowed down I got myself worked up into a frenzy going "'what now????". I am pleased to say I survived it with very little screaming at the two idiot characters (who chose to stay in a house 24/7 despite there being some sort of soul sucking demon in there, as you do), and I only closed my eyes once at the very very end. I think it shows how much I have matured over the years yes? And the fact that I have Emma sleeping in my room with me tonight is simply because I needed to do it as bribery since Bailey has a friend sleeping over tonight - it has nothing to do with me needing someone to clutch onto in the middle of the night when I think the invisible demon is going to grab me by the legs and pull me from the room.

Now I should mention also that my lovely little Emma learnt a valuable lesson today, so she has inspired my "tip for the day": Never play with chilli (ie. pull it apart with your fingers and play with the seeds) and then rub your fingers in your eyes. If you do you will spend the next hour or so crying and having to hold a dripping wet washer across your eyes.

New bling!!!!

Spur of the moment purchase today, I spoiled myself and bought a diamond ring :D I love love love it. My hand has been feeling empty and it was very weird so maybe this will help?

Price check on aisle 9....

Is it just me or are there others out there that felt an abnormal rush of excitment when the first "self service" checkouts were introduced at woolworths and coles?? I cannot tell you how much I ADORE using these things. I get such delight from hearing the little beep everytime I swipe an item, and hurling them as quickly as I can into the bags. I've always had a burning desire to spend a day in the life of a check out chick. I've always thought what a cool job it would be (well to trial anyway, I imagine anymore than once every 6 months you'd find the experience somewhat mundane and lacking challenge), and sometimes had urges to lean over and grab the microphone and mumble "price check on aisle 9" or something exciting like that.

So is this just me? Are you all going to point and yell "freak" at me, or does someone else share my passion for pretending to be a checkout chick whenever you do your groceries??

Guinea pig & novel update, and false advertising...

(You can see why I titled this blog "random drivel" huh?)

So I'm driving along today and I see this old piece of cardboard stuck to a telegraph pole at a set of lights. Someone has scrawled on it, in Niko pen "Live your dream life! Earn a 6 figure salary from home. Ph XXXXXX" and I think to myself - I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! If you earn such great money doing whatever it is you supposedly do from home, how come you can't afford a decent sign to advertise??

Now for the guinea pig update. The kids bought them this new little tent thing to sit in inside their cage. It's really quite cute I have to say but it has caused quite a problem. They never come out. They jam themselves so far inside the tent, it occasionally tips backwards and in order to extricate them out for cuddles with the kids, you have to grab and pull with all your might, anchoring the tent in the other hand while they dig their claws into the carpet on the bottom with their little kung foo grip. I put their food outside their tent to lure them out, but they refuse to go near it until you are out of sight and then they drag the food back into the tent to eat. SO..I made the executive decision to confiscate the tent from them for the time being. I purchased a different model that is just like a big igloo with no flooring, so I can easily lift it off them and TA DA! They will be vulnerable once again and unable to avoid my darling childrens displays of over affection.

I achieved my goal for the weekend with the novel I am very pleased to tell you. I am half way through chapter 11, have written roughly 30,000 words which makes me *about* a quarter of the way through the rough draft! Pretty impressive effort for two weeks work, even if I do say so myself. I am not by any means suggesting it's a great or even readable novel, but regardless, I have made good progress :P

Much to do before bed (including more writing) and am up at the crack of dawn for work so on that note I am off :) Night!

Confessions...

Okay, my guilty conscience is eating me up over several indiscretions that have taken place over the last few days. This being my latest outlet and all, you get to hear all about it...

1. So, last night the whole deleting my facebook account thing and not knowing what was going on with everybody on it got just a *little* bit too much. It started to really irritate me when someone (thanks Jo) mentioned something about one of our mutual acquaintances status updates. I came home rather frustrated that this whole world of insignificant events was taking place and I had no access to it. So....I did the dodgy and signed in using David's log in details. I felt evil as I searched for my friends and checked up on them. It was like being a spy I tell you. Somehow I was sure that someone would realise what I'd done. So after less than 2 minutes I quickly logged out and pretended to myself it had never happened. Interestingly, it appeared that I had not missed much at all.
2. My kids were driving me a little batty the other day. Lots of "muuuummm Bailey looked at me funny" etc etc. I had enough of trying to ignore it while on the couch in the lounge with them when a scathingly brilliant idea fell upon me. "I'm going to the toilet" I announced loudly - both children turning to look at me as though I'd lost my sanity. Why is she telling us this so dramatically? I could see them thinking. I rummaged around to find three old magazines and sat on the closed toilet seat for almost 20 minutes with the door closed reading magazines, their whinging and whining a mere faint mumor in the background. It was not a complete success, I have to admit, there were a few moments in that 20 minutes where one of them would march up to the door and say "Muuuum...I'm hungry" or "can we watch a movie?". I finally gave up when Bailey came to the door and said "Mum are you STILL in there?". I suddenly had images of him announcing to family at the dinner table that his mother spends hours on the toilet, and didn't want everyone to worry that I had irritable bowel syndrome or anything. Still -I did enjoy that hot, sweaty and uncomfortable but QUIETER 20 minutes and I may just utilise this scheme sometime in the future again.
3. Okay this one is the most mortifying confession. Please bear in mind that I am currently suffering from some mild form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that recent life events have led me to do uncharacteristic things - the following being included in that category. Okay so to preface, I have never been a fan of the actor Robert Pattinson. In fact when Twilight first came out and everyone was raving about him I remember distinctly thinking "ew, what are they on about?" I saw him as this scruffy, unkempt looking gangly dude who looked like he needed a good long shower and a haircut. I saw the movie and was still unimpressed. In fact, the powder on his face and the red lipstick almost made it worse. But then....I read the books and took a bit of a shining to this Edward character. So after reading all four books, I once again watched twilight and new moon and suddenly I found myself lusting after good old scruffy Rob. Which brings me to my awful confession. Last night, when once again I was unable to sleep and my brain would no longer form good enough sentences to continue with writing, I found myself on the net. After perusing my usual handful of sites I was bored. I went to youtube and watched a few silly videos that were featured on the main page and then stumbled across a Rob Pattinson interview. So the dude is British I discover, and has this rather funky accent. Oh and it turns out he's kinda funny. So I sit there, for a freakin' hour watching random interviews with Rob Pattinson in them like some obsessed teenage fan. I went to bed feeling rather humiliated by the experience I have to say. I erased the history on my computer, else someone find the evidence and mock me. And here I am now - sharing my most shameful (well recently anyway) moment with the public. And I SWEAR I am now signing off to go to bed with my lap top and do some writing. I will NOT be going to youtube. Not today anyway. Most likely.