This is getting beyond a joke. I simply cannot sleep anymore. Well that's not entirely true, of course I am getting SOME sleep - but very very little of it. I'm trying to figure it out and I think last night I finally pin pointed it. See everyone has been encouraging me to try this or that - a warm bath, a cup of tea blah blah blah. I KNOW these things help - I've used them before after night shifts and stuff. So why wasn't I trying them? I wasn't entirely sure. I thought the reason for my lack of sleep was stress - I have too much stuff on my mind. Specifically - how I will juggle work etc once the kids are back at school, I need to drop my hours. And moving houses, I want to do it now, get it over and done with - but financially breaking the lease is not a viable option. So I figured this is why I wasn't sleeping - too much to think about when I'm lying in bed. And I think this IS a contributing factor but I realised the main issue last night.
See it's not just that I can't sleep once I'm lying in bed - I delay getting into bed. I fluff around, watch crappy movies, do a bit more writing, check my freakin' email at 2am in the morning in case someone has mysteriously emailed me at that hour for who knows what. And when I finally climbed into bed at 2am this morning, eyes hanging out of my head, it hit me why I was avoiding bed and not sleeping. The moment the distractions of TV/writing/internet etc are gone, and the lights are out and it's all quiet and I'm lying there in bed. I realise how very very ALONE I am. After 11 years of having someone by my side every (well mostly) night and feeling somewhat (falsely) secure about my future...it is the most overwhelming and daunting feeling to lie in bed alone every night having no clue about what my future holds for me.
See I am very fortunate...I have great friends and family - so supportive, and so during the days I feel okay - I have the kids of course and with everyone else I rarely feel alone during the day. It's at night after the kids have gone to bed that it all becomes hard. It churns my stomach to think this is my life now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this insecure person who can't cope being on my own at night, I've never been like that - I quite enjoy having time alone occasionally. But every night is another thing. Every night for the rest of my life is too much to think about.
So after a huge cry last night when this realisation hit me in bed, I waited.....and waited...for sleep to take me away. It took too long....and despite feeling like a walking zombie right now, I am already dreading climbing into bed again tonight. At least I should be tired after working till 9.30pm and driving out to dayboro afterwards, but I'm certain I will still battle to fall asleep.
*sigh* Next post will be cheerier I promise.
See it's not just that I can't sleep once I'm lying in bed - I delay getting into bed. I fluff around, watch crappy movies, do a bit more writing, check my freakin' email at 2am in the morning in case someone has mysteriously emailed me at that hour for who knows what. And when I finally climbed into bed at 2am this morning, eyes hanging out of my head, it hit me why I was avoiding bed and not sleeping. The moment the distractions of TV/writing/internet etc are gone, and the lights are out and it's all quiet and I'm lying there in bed. I realise how very very ALONE I am. After 11 years of having someone by my side every (well mostly) night and feeling somewhat (falsely) secure about my future...it is the most overwhelming and daunting feeling to lie in bed alone every night having no clue about what my future holds for me.
See I am very fortunate...I have great friends and family - so supportive, and so during the days I feel okay - I have the kids of course and with everyone else I rarely feel alone during the day. It's at night after the kids have gone to bed that it all becomes hard. It churns my stomach to think this is my life now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this insecure person who can't cope being on my own at night, I've never been like that - I quite enjoy having time alone occasionally. But every night is another thing. Every night for the rest of my life is too much to think about.
So after a huge cry last night when this realisation hit me in bed, I waited.....and waited...for sleep to take me away. It took too long....and despite feeling like a walking zombie right now, I am already dreading climbing into bed again tonight. At least I should be tired after working till 9.30pm and driving out to dayboro afterwards, but I'm certain I will still battle to fall asleep.
*sigh* Next post will be cheerier I promise.
hugs Sandy :( I'm sure as time passes it will get easier. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it breaks my heart. You are such a special lady Sandy and you deserve so much happiness. Be kind to yourself babe.
ReplyDeleteYou know what puts me to sleep, no fail..reading. I'm asleep within reading 3 pages. Bad habit I picked up as a kid, reading before bed for the past 30 odd years...lol
<3 ya chicken xx