High hopes for 2010...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Hope everyone had a good night last night, I had a nice quiet night with a very good friend - some drinks after the kids were in bed and a few laughs despite both feeling like our little worlds are falling apart around us. I will not be doing new years resolutions I've decided, they are never a success and it always makes you feel severely inadequate at the end of the year when you realise you've fulfilled none of your goals. I will however say that I hold high hopes for 2010, and that my only "wish" for the coming year is that this time next year I find myself in a much happier place than I am right now. Obviously I have other little plans for "goals" that I hope to achieve but I think I will keep them to myself rather than setting myself up for a fall.

My short term goal for this weekend (which I actually have off - hooray!!) is to complete up to (and including) chapter 10 of this novel. I am about halfway through chapter 8 at the moment so I think that's a pretty realistic goal to set.

Tell you what, my job certainly gives me a massive reality check whenever I rock up there. I arrive feeling somewhat sorry for myself and my current disastrous circumstances, and then I meet the family who have just found out their 4 year old has an inoperable brain tumour, or the little boy who fell off his bike onto the road and lost half his face - and suddenly I am painfully aware of just how great my life is, despite the sadness I feel - my life could be a whole lot worse. And if I can wake up in the morning knowing that my kids are happy and healthy, I have a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear and a job to go to then I am doing well.

So, here's to a good year ahead - appreciating what we have, and making the most of the circumstances given to us. :D

Argh night duty..

It's not good that I am struggling to keep my eyes open right now and I won't be able to close them again for another 18 hours *sigh* Woe is me.

Hot tips for today...

*Clinker slice is evil. Don't make it. If you do there is a very good chance you will decide to "just have one more piece" about 17 times and next thing you know, you are lying in fetal position on the couch feeling like you have some sort of bowel obstruction or perforated appendix.

*Make sure you lock all the doors in your house before you go out. If you don't and then later discover whilst home alone at night after having a shower that a door has been unlocked for the whole afternoon whilst you've been galivanting around the country side, you will freak out like I did last night. You will find yourself going into every room, checking every corner and under every bed to make sure there are no axe murderers lying in wait for you to go to bed so they can slaughter you in your sleep.

*Don't stay up till 2am writing when you have to get up at 5.30am to go to work. The whole blood shot eyes and slurred speech thing isn't a good look, especially when young children's lives are in your hands. Parents don't feel terribly confident in your abilities when you look like you are about to fall asleep every time you blink REALLY slowly.

And that is all for today :D

Up and down..

I am like a freakin yo yo at the moment all these moments of absolute complete and utter devastation and in the same day moments of total relief and optimism. Tell you what though I am loving having this novel thing to escape to....and - this photo here shows you the main reason I plaster a smile on my face each morning and get up and live life rather than holing myself up in my room in my PJs as I really feel like doing...

Taken on Sunday morning at McDonalds. Yup like a total yuppy I took my lap there and after you know, a whole like, 20 minutes quality time chatting to the children while we ate our breakfast, I whipped it out when they ran off to play and felt very cool sitting there typing away a few paragraphs of my book :P I am cool right? You don't have to say it, I know it already....

Just so you know...

I'm feeling better now. I had a big cry, got it all out, carted myself off to bed with the lap top and emersed myself in typing. I've just done another chapter so I feel much better now :D It's 3am and the kids will wake me in a few hours but I can't sleep nowadays anyway so I might as well use the time to do something constructive huh.

Here's to tomorrow being a better day!

Bit of self pity...

I cannot tell you how much it sucks to be in love with the wrong person. To feel like the one person who you feel COULD make you happiest in the world just won't or can't make that happen for you. So so very hard to walk away, even though you know it's the right thing to do; because it hurts so much it feels like your heart has been ripped out of you. I want to skip over this painful part to the bit that I have to believe is ahead of me somewhere...that I'll be a happy person again, who'll be able to smile without simultaneously feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment.

I want to be in that place now...

Anyone have some spare time to share??

You know when you have a really really good book that you want to read, or you've downloaded (completley legally of course) a few episodes of your favourite series, and you get frustrated when you can't seem to find enough time in a day to get to it? This is even more irritating than that. I have all these ideas swimming around in my head for this book and I so badly want to get them all out and put it together properly but I just can't find the time to do it what with work, cleaning, cooking and the kids. By the time I finally sat down last night after getting home from work, doing the dinner thing, getting the kids to bed then doing the washing etc, baking stuff for tonight....and of course the spider incident (which was resolved thanks to my extremely brave new hero - my brother in law) it was 11.30pm. I had myself all nicely set up with my laptop on the couch, nice hot cup of tea beside me, all excited about finally getting the chance to do this. And... nothing. My brain was fried from such a busy day and any words I did manage to get down were messy and jumbled and not at all what I wanted :(

So for now, I'm having to settle for scribbled notes in a book so that I don't forget the things I want to remember, and snatched minutes through the day. I found half an hour just before to get a bit done but I wanted to stay in my PJs all day typing away. Alas, I have vacuuming and mopping and stuff to do before I head out for a visit with the sis. I suppose it would not be good parenting skills anyway to lock myself away in a room with my lap top all day leaving non perishable snacks and a pile of DVDs out for the children?

*sigh* I just hate that I've finally found a way to escape the crappiness of my current life situation, but I don't have the time to do it. Woe is me. There is a space below where you can hit reply and give me sympathy. Thanks.

Spider EEEEKKKK

Ok I am officially the worlds biggest sook. I am in Bailey's room stripping the sheets off his bed to wash when I glance at the reflection in the window and see on the wall behind me a MASSIVE spider. I run out of the room and then stand in the hallway peering in to see it. It's ridiculousy huge....not a huntman some other awful looking fat spider and I find myself on the verge of tears, my heart palpitating and sweating....I really really really hate spiders. So I message to see if Dad is still awake..no reply. Is this important enough to call him? I think not.....so I currently sit here awaiting rescue from my poor brother-in-law who is also terrified of spiders :/ I keep going back and slowly slowly moving into the hallway and craning my neck to peer around the corner into his room to check it is stil there. I will not sleep tonight if that spider isn't dead.

This one is going to be a quick bullet point form version of updating cause I can't be bothered after a long tedious 12 hour shift with a particularly annoying and obnoxious parent to deal with...

*You know you are getting old when you mess up your age - my profile on the side there that says I am 27 years old... Incorrect. I am actually 28 years old, I realised this with much sadness as I drove to work this morning.

*If I hear that song by Vanessa Amorosi "This is who I am" with that awful freaky sounding laugh in the background one more time I think I may just hurt somebody

*Really wish I had researched a little bit more (more than NONE at least), and put a tad more thought into the details invovled in writing a book before actually commencing. Like what tense to write it in. I got three chapters into it, was feeling really good about it then picked up a few of my fav novels to flip through and realised that ALL of them are written in past tense, not in present tense as I had done - so I google it...and it seems that apparently any novel written in present tense is TERRIBLE and not worth reading. So I spent 2 hours last night rewriting the 3 chapters in the correct tense. And then the next chapter I wrote became this dreadful mixture of the two tenses because anytime I stopped concentrating on it I'd slip back into how I'd been writing before. *sigh*

*I really should not encourage my own dellusions by packing up a gym bag and putting it in the car as I leave for work at 6am, thinking proudly to myself how I will stop at the gym on the way home at 8pm that night. There was never any chance it was going to happen, and deep down I knew that. Instead, I arrived home and went straight to the fridge for a can of diet coke to wash down the 4 pieces of clinker slice I shovelled down. Meh...it was a long day, what can I say. There is always tomorrow hey. You never know I may just morph into a health freak overnight.

*Shower caps are not sexy. I still find it amusing whenever I glance at myself in the mirror, starkers with a piece of plastic covering my hair.

*The guinea pigs hiding (well not really - sitting just outside one of the main windows of the house, cleverly disguised by your everyday vertical blinds) in their cage outside, awaiting my oblivious childrens gasps of excitement on christmas morning are actually STILL ALIVE!!! I looked outside the windows at work this afternoon with horror at the torrential downpour of rain, lightening flashing and thunder grumbling and thought "oh crap, they're either fried by lightening, dead from shock, or floating around in a pool of water". But amazingly they are still sitting there wide eyed hearts pounding ready to scratch and claw and squeak when I try to tenderly pick them up and pat them.

Are you excited?

My very first "blog"!! Just as a heads up - I have no idea at all what I am doing here, to be honest I've never even read someone else's blog to know what the whole concept is about. Perhaps I should have researched more before endeavoring to create this? Surely it can't be all that difficult? All I really have to do is think of something interesting to write about right? And then find someone bored enough to want to read it?

Well I can give you a hot tip anyway - always double check your roster at work. Nothing fun about rocking up to work at 6.50am in the morning, as this little chicken did this morning to find out you wrote your shifts down incorrectly and in fact, today is your day off (and you could currently still be laying in bed hiding under the doona) and that TOMORROW you are supposed to be working.

I promise more exciting words of wisdom in the future :P