Travel tips for Melbourne....

Apoligies to those who read this back in my facebook days....Kim requested a copy paste, so just ignore if you've read it :P

• It is illegal to take photos on the tarmac at an airport – apparently it can “cause an explosion!”, and if you are oblivious to this rule and find yourself standing with a big grin on your face while your friend takes your photo yelling “wave your arms around!”, a crew person from the flight you are on will come racing over yelling frantically to advise you of your criminal behavior.
• You cannot walk from Queensberry Street all the way to Collins Street with two very large bags on wheels. Don’t think that when people laugh at you when you suggest doing this that they don’t know what they are talking about – it really is IMPOSSIBLE.
• Don’t be alarmed when you see a seagull whooshing past you at 2am in the morning in the middle of the city…this is “normal” in Melbourne.
• If you happen to stay in an apartment that has not provided a full length mirror, this can be frustrating and problematic. However, there are a few solutions to this problem. 1) Try standing on the toilet and then leaping across the bathroom while keeping a firm eye on the mirror, you MAY catch a small glimpse of your ensemble although it is highly likely you will need to try this several times before having any sort of success (please note: socks/stockings make this maneuver dangerous). 2) At night time you can use the windows to get a look at yourself 3) Utilize the hotel lift mirrors. This can be embarrassing if not timed accurately and the doors open mid “pose”. Also becomes a bit of an effort when you are displeased with what you see and need a change of clothes. 4) This is probably the best option – take a photo of your outfit either using the timer or getting your friend’s help.
• If you are prone to the occasional “blonde moment”, it is wise to take a friend who experiences similar episodes so that you don’t feel like the only ditzy person.*Blinds can be complicated – don’t spend 5 minutes pulling the cord in one direction, cursing and carrying on about the “stupid ridiculous blinds that won’t open” only to have your friend walk in and pull the cord in the opposite direction opening the blinds up without a problem – you WILL feel silly. However, you will feel better about it when said friend looks at your blinds and says she is “ripped off” because she only has one thin blind on her window and you have one thin one and one heavy one only to discover she has the same setup and she could have slept in that morning had she known.
• Most glass sliding doors that serve as an entry/exit point to a building have a large green button to the side of them that says “PUSH TO OPEN DOOR” – two people jumping up and down waving their arms around will NOT open the door. And whilst doing this can be understandable the first time you come across such a door, it probably isn’t as acceptable to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME before remembering. People will snicker.
• The best way to spot famous people is to wander aimlessly around alleyways at night with your bread, butter and jam in a 7/11 bag. Don’t mock your friend when she exclaims “LOOK THAT’S PATTI NEWTON IN THAT CAR, I bet she is waiting to pick Bert up” then sit in the gutter for 25 minutes to prove that she is wrong. You’ll feel like an idiot when Bert Newton walks out and gets into Patti’s car. And she will remind you of it on a regular basis.
• Some people who work at 7/11 can be difficult to understand. When you’ve asked them about getting a tram ticket you may find yourself trying to catch what they are saying about “zones”. When they finish you may find yourself saying “so….can we get a ticket?” and this will be followed with more incoherent ramblings about “zones” and you’ll say “so…we CAN’T get a ticket?” and you will end up walking out wondering what on earth just happened and why you didn’t get a ticket.
• Have your friend purchase a pair of boots for the trip. Not just any boots – but boots with some sort of visible fur on the outside. You will be amazed at the entertainment this brings you. At any random moment you will find yourself bursting into song and dance about the “Boots with the fur, the whole club was lookin at her…she hit the floor, next thing you know, shorty got low low low low…”. If this gets old, you can also sing the song about your jacket with the fur…simply adjust the lyrics slightly like so: “HOOD with the fur…the whole club….”. Seriously – it never fails to amuse. Also…a lot of people in Melbourne wear boots with fur…so you will find many many moments to enjoy this simple pleasure.
• Don’t take a night-time cold and flu tablet when on holidays…you will wake up at lunch time and be sad you missed out on half a day of fun.
• If you see someone very late in the evening giving directions to people near a tram station - be careful. You may find yourself demanding more detailed information and trying to pry his little map out of his kung fu grip only to be informed by your friend as you walk away that he had a sign saying he was homeless and would give directions for money. You’ll feel like an idiot – hopefully your friend was clever enough to give them some money on your ignorant behalf.
• Ensure you gather all your belongings when getting off the tram in the wee hours of the morning. You will be sad if you leave your scarf on there. You’ll be even sadder if after realizing and suggesting a “one minute silence” to your friend, she casually points out a nearby woman tying on a very similar scarf to yours.
• Wearing tights under your jeans does provide some very comforting warmth when out and about at night however, once inside the well heated restaurants/pubs/shops you can find yourself in a sort of panic attack about “having to get out of these freakin’ tights RIGHT NOW”.
• Cyclists in Melbourne city seem to be somewhat....aggressive. Be careful not to make eye contact or linger too close to the edge of a road if they are scooting by. You will be greeted with a holler of some description and sadly they are gone too fast for you to shout obscenities back in your defense.
• When attending a concert with a standing room ticket, you may need to take anger management classes beforehand to prepare yourself for people with abnormally fat necks standing in front of you, OR couples spending every moment of the concert passionately smooching each other and blocking your view.
• Whilst KFC does in normal circumstances, induce vomiting and child-birth type pains; at 12am in the morning after 12 hours of not eating and lining up at concerts etc, it WILL taste like the best food you have ever eaten in your life.
• Trams have little maps in them of the various tram lines and their stations. Try not to wet yourself laughing if your friend asks “where is the “YOU ARE HERE” dot?”.
• Watch your toes when standing on a tram – people with huge MASSIVE heavy suitcases can seriously hurt you. The likelihood of it happening to both yourself and your friend during a mere 3 day visit is very very high. (Also…boots with fur provide little protection).
• Be careful when packing a spacer (for use with ventolin) in your bag…people may mistake it for a Swedish penis enlarger.